I know, I know! Muslim moms are supposed to be “excessively hopeful.” It is the modus operandi of Muslims to expect only the best from Allah (S). We are taught to ask for ALL of it, spending our 

(prostrations) and salah (ritual prayer), including fervently asking for the chance to visit His house for our forgiveness as part of the Hajj or Umrah pilgrimage.

As parents though, we are also asking for the chance to witness His House with our kids so we can see their young bosoms alight with faith.

So many of us fell madly in love with Islam during our impassioned college years. Thus, we may believe that our adolescent children MUST be greatly advantaged if they perform pilgrimage earlier than we were able to, right?

Um, not always. Why? Because they are normal adolescents and we are middle aged mothers who are after all, excessively hopeful, especially when curating “the perfect family Umrah.”

As so many rules around Hajj and Umrah (as set by the Saudi government) have changed and so many more families are going for these pilgrimages now, let me share the realities beyond that hope, which I learned for myself on my very recent (and very expensive) Umrah (lesser pilgrimage) this past spring break.

The last time I went for Umrah, I was heavily pregnant with a grandparent and three kids in tow. It was fantastic despite me having to be wheeled through most of it. My husband carried one or more of our children during the rites while I held someone in my lap in my wheelchair. My daughter, newly fully potty trained, would make it to 

during most prayers inside the masjid before she proudly announced her need to poop. Right then. Back to the hotel or bust.

I would waddle back with her every time, praying for my contractions to stop and drinking zamzam (holy water) to calm that baby down who threatened to come out looking for what all the excitement was about. We had Baskin Robbins every day and took a lot of naps.

Most of our prayers were performed in the Clock Tower 

(prayer room) because the kids could see the Ka’aba from there in those days, and I just couldn’t walk to the masjid that many times without serious delivery concern. Even though I couldn’t fight the crowds with my contracting rotundness to touch the black cloth and let its fragrance seep into my hands, my kids did.

Two of the author's children, who accompanied her on her recent Umrah, in Makkah. Image source (for all photos): Dr. Uzma Jafri

I have spent the past eight years patting myself on the back because a) I did not lose a child once on that Umrah, b) I took a five, four and two-year-old while pregnant without premature labor for Umrah, and c) my kids always talked about going back after that trip. 

I counted on a future when we could experience it together again, when every one of us was old enough to be aware of what we were doing and for the rites to count. I considered that Umrah a practice run for my innocent littles.

Well, now I have three pubescent kids, but this year only one came with me from that set, plus the one I was cooking eight years ago. This is what I learned about my hopes and choices after this Umrah and how as mothers, we all would do better to manage our expectations:

The Reality of Umrah with Teens, Tweens and Kiddos

1. Remember what we liked (and were like) as teens: 

At my oldest son’s age (13), I was in love with a boy I had never spoken to, wanted to be valedictorian, and had mastered call return on our home phone so I could call back and verbally barrage the stupid boys who did ring my house. My goal in life was not to perform Umrah because I was taught that we did that as adults.

On the other hand, my teen has a cell phone, cool friends, and a life outside of school. Also, Wifi. He is not going to stare at the Ka’aba, eyes brimful and grateful because he could see it live in his hand before he could speak. Besides, he’s seen it IRL as a little kid at his last Umrah and now, “Well, I’ve seen it once in person. This trip I can watch it live from the hotel.”

Teens don’t have a fully cooked frontal cortex. At least that’s what I told myself so I wouldn’t bash in my own when they refused to come back to the Ka’aba to perform voluntary worship with me. It wasn’t a teen priority, and I couldn’t force it. Or I COULD HAVE, but that’s not great practice of our sunnah.

 It is astronomically expensive to go visit Allah’s (S) house now, due to increasing bureaucracy and KSA national expenses and policies. It’s no less than $3,000 during periods when the kids have vacation, which are peak seasons. Want to go with a celebrity imam? Count on a scarier bottom line. Have multiple kids or multiple other family members with you? Keep that calculator out. Better yet, liquidate your 401K.

Just eight years ago, we could eat at the Clock Tower food court as a family of six for about 50 SR (Saudi riyals). Now we ate for 50 SR per person! Granted, my kid is now a teen and eats like one, but that’s some crazy inflation to make up for COVID losses and masjid expansion costs.

Two of the author's children in Masjid Haram on their recent Umrah.

The next time I take a teen, I’ll have them pay for half of it so they feel invested in making the most of the trip. Scratch that, I’m not inviting my teens next time unless I get a strong sense that this is something they want to do, or if I hit some lottery.

3. It’s not just about spiritual rites, but spiritual RIGHTS.

 I’m not going to lie; I ordered all the “I’m going to Umrah” books for my little guy. It didn’t cut it. He was tired after our Umrah and let everyone know, especially me: “Ammi, why are you making us walk so much?” He couldn’t understand why the stories he’d read didn’t say anything about sore feet. He was sad about his right to comfort in this process.

Then there was my teen. Despite his education in Islamic school and three years of homeschooling, I was reviewing the rites with him until we reached the gate of Masjid Haram to start our actual Umrah. We’d already gone over the rewards of Umrah and how it’s not an Instagrammable moment but rather a time to connect with Allah (S). Then I found him texting his friends on Discord during 

, or grumbling about the crowd. Or exclaiming about the size of the grasshoppers.

I glared at him through most of my rites, concerned that my tongue would violate his spiritual rights and ruin it for all of us. So instead I tried not to engage with him. (You know, as opposed to the “perfect Umrah” that was going to bring us closer together as a family.)

After our Umrah was complete, the kids were content to stay in the hotel except for their five daily prayers and Juma’a salah. In Madinah the best I got from my oldest was, “Okay, I prayed six [

]. Can I go back to the hotel now?” Cue air dagger to my heart. What I wouldn’t have given for six uninterrupted, unassaulted rakah in the Rawdah for myself!

We’d reviewed the rewards from praying “in the green,” yet his youthful confidence of “I’ve done enough” was just that. Youthful confidence, not middle-aged I-see-the-writing-on-the-wall fear of not being able to come back and repeat these rites. It’s a spiritual mismatch of our generations, and it’s no one’s fault. Getting angry at my teen or even frustrated would not have served either of us.

The author's youngest child, tired after the rites of Umrah.

4. There are challenges when we do Umrah with teens, but there are also miracles.

 So until now I’ve focused on all the challenges. The new rules by KSA pose some new curveballs, too. There will be disappointments, lost appointments, rearranged lines, pushing and even pain. We adults say 

 and move on because we are afraid to complain and offend the Greatest Host. So we hold our tongues and pray the discomfort away. That last one is easy because we do that as moms of teens all the time.

However, our kids haven’t developed that skill – fear or “gratitude muscle” if you will – and are wont to audibly complain about most things non-America. They call out their fellow Muslims, many of whom don’t understand why American kids don’t like to be touched, their prayer space squished or their shoes “borrowed.” They don’t love all the tours, global lack of taking turns, and infringement of already limited physical space at Umrah.

Then unexpected rain or schedule changes permit us all to experience a moment of Allah’s (S) mercy: A stranger does something so out of the blue, so kind that even your kids are quiet for a second. Or your fast food order is actually correct this time. There are probably several points during the day when we wonder why on earth we brought teens and tweens with us here (again, at no small expense), but it may be Allah’s (S) way of saying, “You’re okay, mom. They’re okay. Chill out and have a milkshake.”

5. I’m still a good mom if I Umrah without my kids.

 Teens are going through their hormonal yucks, and some of us are going through ours, all at the same time. And during these developmental lows and woes, we all need a spiritual pick me up. While we moms may be able to get that through God and pilgrimage (and iced coffee), our kids may just need time to hang out with their friends or Nintendo Switch. That’s developmental, and that’s okay. 

 (forbidden or bad things) if they’re not eager beavers for the pilgrimage (or particularly excited about any religious rites in Islam, for that matter.

Families who are all smiles at Umrah in matching ihram are #cute, 

. I have those family pictures, too, and while taking them my kids were begging through clenched teeth:

“When can I wipe the Vaseline off my thighs?” IYKYK.

Two of the author's children as they recently performed Umrah with their parents.

I’m not a good mom for taking them to Umrah before they’re ready to really appreciate and avail it. I’m certainly not a good mom or Muslimah for taking my kids while seething my way through 

 when I could have been doing it with my husband or girlfriends who are on the same generational, spiritual and developmental wavelength as me. I’m just a mom who is trying.

How will I know when my kids are ready? In my house, it’ll be when they can raise their half of the cost and say they want to go with their dad and me next time. I won’t be bringing back any teens to this experience, because it’s not fair to them or to me. And certainly it’ not fair to my pocketbook. (If you can’t tell yet, this part hurt me a LOT). We each have to do what is right for us and our kids. You'll figure out what is right for you and yours.

We all pray that our children are great Muslims now and will be so as adults, all while being the coolness of our eyes. But neither of those is up to us. As moms, we are so intent on creating experiences and situations, like “the perfect Umrah,” instead of letting go and letting God. Guidance is in Allah’s (S) hands, and we pray that He gifts it to all of us and the generations to come.

In the meantime, ya Rabbi, let me come back to Umrah without the kids in tow. 

Have you performed Umrah with kids (whether young ones, tweens or teens)? What was your experience like? Would you do it again? Share with us in the comments below!

Thinking of Doing Umrah with Teens and/or Kids? Consider These 5 Reality Checks

Islam is not sexist, but sometimes Muslim men are. Islam is not misogynistic, but sometimes, Muslim men are. My words may be alarming, but they are not meant to be accusatory. Muslim men: You are privileged to live in a world that has largely been shaped by male paradigms, one that has been written in your own voices. As a Muslim woman, I challenge you to make a choice: Step outside this male-dominated intellectual framework and recognize how it cripples our 

I ask this of you, knowing that it is never easy to dissect a system built to preserve your own privileges. The destructiveness of this paradigm is most apparent when it comes to the issue of modesty. Heated debates about how Muslim women should dress abound, so I’d like to take a critical look at a less examined topic: A Muslim’s gaze.

Several Quranic verses address the subject of modesty; verses 30 and 31 in chapter 24 begin with broad and simple injunctions. In 24:30 we read, “Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty,” and in 24:31, “And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty.” Muslims typically rush past these commands and instead focus on the rules that follow in the latter half of verse 31, laying out the details of how Muslim women should behave and dress:

Interesting isn’t it, that we choose to bypass the injunction on lowering our gaze, which appears first and therefore arguably carries just as much, if not more, weight, in favor of the portion of the verse detailing how Muslim women ought to dress? Perhaps it’s because measuring a gaze, be it a man’s or a woman’s, isn’t as easy as judging one’s choice of dress. Then again, we could attribute the disproportionate emphasis placed on modest dress to the message societies – both Muslim and non-Muslim – send to men: That men have a right over women’s bodies, whether that right be to enjoy or to judge.

Unfortunately, the Muslim community’s fixation with the way Muslim women dress is unrelenting. Muslim women hear it and feel it. It comes from all angles, from our fathers, brothers, husbands, mothers and even our hijab-wearing girlfriends. There is a difference between offering positive support and options for the best hijab and modest clothing-wearing experience, and constant pressure and fixation on it.

Sometimes, we understand that although the pressure itself is negative, its underlying sentiment is rooted in principles derived from the Quran and hadith. Sometimes, we realize that when we quiet down the chastising voices that peck at us from all sides, the desire to wear a hijab is strong within ourselves as well. After this realization, some of us may muster up the strength to dress modestly and don a hijab in spite of outside pressure – not because of it.

Sometimes, we falter. We might cover our hair with a scarf, but discover that it’s difficult to find modest but trendy clothing, so we settle for dresses that are a tad too tight and skirts a few inches too short. We might tie on a hijab or slip on an abaya, only to take it off a few months later because we discover that our community assumes that a change in dress signals a change in character and the staggeringly high expectations are too much to bear. We do all of this under the scorning watch of the male gaze.

And sometimes, we look around and see that the responsibility to practice modesty rests entirely (and unfairly) on our shoulders, so some of us begin to regard, or rather disdain, modest dress as a living symbol of patriarchy, which is truly unfortunate. For some, rejecting the concept of modesty comes to represent freeing themselves from tyranny and hypocrisy. From here, it becomes easy to dismiss Islam as the source of this tyranny and we may leave the faith altogether. And this is why I ask you, Muslim men, to reconsider the male-dominated intellectual framework we are living in.

Image source: Pexels; photo by Edmond Dantes.

is broken when women, covered head to toe, are still publicly harassed in Muslim countries. What more can we, as women, possibly do? So I ask you Muslim men, as a collective, to re-read the Quranic verses on modesty and take responsibility for your modesty and your gaze. When I ask you to lower your gaze, I ask you to regard me without sexual desire. Do not treat me as if I don’t exist, as if I don’t count as an emotional and intellectual being.

If your interpretation of the Quran requires you to look away when speaking to me, I understand, but please, look away with humility. When you avert your gaze but speak to me smugly, you only confirm that you do, in fact, see women merely as sexual objects.

Muslim men: Take responsibility for understanding the lives and the 

 (struggle) of the women in your life. Ask your mother, sister, daughter and perhaps most importantly, your wife if you’ve been a hindrance or a help to them in their journey towards Islam. Then, begin to make personal, communal, and institutional changes. Muslim men, I ask you to remember – the onus is on you, too.

Zainab Khan is a graduate of Wesleyan University in Middletown, CT. You can follow her on twitter @zaynman or read her personal blog at zaynman.wordpress.com. A version of this post was originally published on 

Dear Muslim Men: The Onus of Modesty & Lowering Your Gaze is Upon You Too

Ramadan is a time of heightened worship and deepened spiritual reflection, and one of the best things we can do as the blessed month comes to an end is plan how to carry the lessons and habits developed during this time into the rest of the year. They say it takes 30 days to develop a solid habit, and if you’ve been working to make any aspect of your 

a habit in Ramadan, you are primed to, Insha’Allah, continue it beyond this month.

Don’t leave it to chance! Make a practical plan to continue worship, charity and self-improvement after Ramadan ends. It’s one of the best gifts we can give ourselves and our relationship with Allah (S). Here are suggestions for eight things you can do after Ramadan to maintain your spiritual momentum and continue your journey of self-improvement:

 Prayer is an essential pillar of Islam. Maintaining regular and consistent prayers is fundamental to a Muslim's faith. Keep up with your daily prayers, including the obligatory five daily prayers and voluntary prayers like the sunnah and nafl prayers. Maybe waking up for Fajr was a challenge before Ramadan, but you’ve been doing it all this month. So, set that alarm on Eid and the day after Eid and the day after that, and keep it going!

If you've been praying extra prayers during Ramadan, why not continue this practice? Keep up the momentum and stay connected with your faith, whether it's night prayers or any other additional prayers.

The Quran is a source of guidance and blessings, and its recitation is highly encouraged in Islam. Make it a habit to recite the Quran daily, even just a few verses or pages. Reflect on its meanings, and implement its teachings to continually grow spiritually. Read it in Arabic if you can, and if you can’t – read it in English. And then consider starting the journey to learning how to read it in Arabic.

 Although fasting during Ramadan is obligatory, 

voluntary fasting outside of Ramadan is highly recommended

. Consider fasting on Mondays and Thursdays and the White Days (13th, 14th and 15th) of each lunar month. Fasting can help you maintain your spiritual connection and self-discipline. Be sure to make up your 

 as soon as possible before the next Ramadan comes..

 Continue to engage in voluntary acts of worship, such as 

(seeking forgiveness from Allah (S). These acts of worship can help you maintain closeness to Allah (S) and increase your spiritual rewards.

 Ramadan is a sacred month for deep introspection and personal growth. 

you’ve taken advantage of this time to better yourself by steering clear of harmful habits, cultivating patience, demonstrating kindness and generosity and expanding your knowledge about Islam. These efforts can and should continue throughout the year in whatever ways possible. 

Sure, it may be difficult to keep up all of the things you were doing in Ramadan, so choose one or two and keep going. Remember: Self-improvement is a continuous journey that begins with small steps. And while we should try to carry on the good habits we've grown this month, 

we should also remember to try and not fall back on things we gave up for the sake of Allah (S).

 (Or at least, do a little less of those things, like mindlessly scrolling social media or the like.)

6. Engage in acts of charity and community service:

 Continue to give back to your community and help those in need through acts of charity and community service. Make a positive impact on the world by volunteering and donating to charitable causes. Maybe there was some volunteer work you did in Ramadan that really spoke to your heart, so continue on with it. Whether locally or globally, extend a helping hand and be part of the change you wish to see.

 Stay in touch with your fellow Muslims and the local and online communities that positively influence your life. Attend community events, gatherings and in-person or online lectures to continue learning, sharing knowledge, and fostering a sense of brotherhood/sisterhood among fellow Muslims.

 Reflect on your achievements during Ramadan and set new goals for yourself. Whether it's related to your spirituality, personal growth, or other aspects of your life, set realistic and achievable goals and work towards them with determination and consistency.

The month of Ramadan may be almost over, but the spirit of this holy season can stay with you all year round. Consistency is crucial to worshiping, self-improvement and acts of kindness. So, don't let your efforts end with Ramadan; continue on the journey towards self-improvement and closeness to Allah (S). May He bless you and guide you on this path. 

Life after Ramadan – 8 Ways to Carry On This Month's Worship Habits Throughout the Year

I slip my long black prayer hijab over me – the soft fabric waves around me as I walk through the dim house barefoot. I am calm and composed; my nerves are nowhere to be found in this moment. The world and all its demands are nonexistent.

I pass through the dark kitchen and walk down the stained steps. The creak of each step echoes louder in the silence of the night than it would during the hustle and bustle of the day in my home. I enter the small room, standing before the gray loveseat and raising my arms. No one else is up but me for 

. Tonight, I get to be alone with The Creator.

I close my eyes and begin to recite the Quran, softly at first. I slowly let the words of Allah (S) wash over me like a warm summer shower. As I progress through surah after surah, the melody begins to take shape in my head.

Time passes and soon enough, it is time for the rest of the family to rise for suhoor. The kitchen light floods the room and the sound of my family's footsteps and chattering and they search for their pre-fast meal break through the silence and peace.

I take a deep breath, feel the serenity and stillness left in my heart, and thank Allah (S) for this beautiful moment before rising from my spot of worship and climbing the stairs to prepare for another Ramadan fast.

I will be a little sleepier today. But that's okay. I have my nightly prayer and the accompanying memories to keep me going through the day.

While I may not be able to offer Qiyam ul Layl every night in Ramadan or even especially during the last ten nights of the holy fasting month, I recognize the significance of waking up in the night and worshiping Allah (S), especially during a month filled with countless blessings. We all have the opportunity to take advantage of these extra blessings by getting up and staying up during this holy month.

Let’s take a look at what Qiyam ul Layl is and what we can do during the nights of Ramadan, especially from your own home.

Qiyam ul Layl is an important part of Islamic worship. It is a voluntary prayer and worship that can be performed between the Isha and Fajr prayers. Qiyam ul Layl includes 

and other acts of worship during Ramadan, and is considered a highly virtuous act of worship in Islam. Tahajjud prayers are part of Qiyam ul Layl, but Qiyam is not limited to prayers and can encompass other forms of worship at night.

Allah (S)) commanded the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) to get up at night for prayer, and He mentions the night prayer in the Quran:

of Qiyam ul Layl (the verses of standing at night), and they encourage Muslims to get up at night for prayer, particularly for the tahajjud prayer.

The Prophet Muhammad (saw) was known to regularly get up at night for prayer, which is considered highly virtuous in Islam. The Prophet's nightly prayers were so beloved to Allah (S) that He (S) mentions it in the Quran

This verse is a testament to the Prophet's dedication to worship and his love for Allah (God). It also reminds Muslims to follow his example and strive to increase their worship and devotion to Allah.

Allah (S) also mentions Qiyam ul Layl and believers many times in the Quran. Allah says:

These verses convey how powerful worship in the night is in facilitating a connection with Allah, and we can easily understand why believers are encouraged to spend their nights devoted to 

The Significance of Qiyam ul Layl in Ramadan

During Ramadan, Qiyamul Layl is of particular significance because it is an excellent opportunity to increase one's worship and devotion, especially in the last ten nights of the month. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) used to perform Qiyamul Layl regularly, and he would increase his worship during Ramadan.

So how does the schedule of fasting and praying typically go? In Ramadan, Muslims wake up early in the morning to have a pre-dawn meal (

) and then fast throughout the day until sunset. In the evening, Muslims break their fast (

) and perform the Maghrib prayer. After Maghrib, Muslims may rest for a while before performing the Isha prayer.

After Isha prayer, Muslims can perform the tarawih prayer (though we are not obligated to), which is a special congregational prayer that is only offered during Ramadan. After tarawih, Muslims can perform Qiyam ul Layl, which is also highly recommended.

(Did you know that although it is preferable to perform tarawih prayers in congregation at a masjid, 

It is not necessarily better to pray Qiyam ul Layl at home or the masjid; both options have their benefits and rewards.

Praying Qiyam ul Layl at the masjid allows for greater communal worship, increasing the sense of brotherhood and sisterhood between you and your community. It also provides an opportunity to benefit from the knowledge and guidance of your imam or other scholars who may lead prayers and offer lectures and other forms of worship. In addition, praying at the masjid can provide a change of environment and help to focus one's mind on worship.

On the other hand, praying Qiyam ul Layl at home allows for greater privacy and the ability to customize the prayer to one's schedule and preferences. It can be more convenient for those who have family or caregiving responsibilities or work obligations that may make it difficult to attend the mosque. Additionally, praying at home can provide a more relaxed and comfortable atmosphere, facilitating deeper concentration and reflection in worship.

While offering Qiyam ul Layl in the masjid is great, it may not be practical for everyone. Many people prefer offering prayer at home as they don't have to worry about traveling or finding a place in the masjid. People who care for young children, loved ones with disabilities or elderly parents may also find it more convenient to stay home. Maybe you are able to better connect with Allah (S) from home. Work can also prove challenging if your job requires you to work during the scheduled prayer times at your local masjid or if you need to maintain your daytime work schedule and cannot spend your entire night at the mosque.

If you decide to stay up for night worship (and it’s highly recommended you spend at least part of the nights in Ramadan, especially during the last ten nights doing Qiyam ul Layl), here are eight things you can do:

 Getting the support of your family in making Qiyam ul Layl can help to create a positive and encouraging environment for worship. If other members of your family also plan to do Qiyam ul Layl, coordinate the best time for Qiyam ul Layl prayer and worship activities that works for everyone's schedule. Plan meals and other obligations to avoid any conflicts. If you plan to stay up longer for Qiyam ul Layl, and perhaps have babies or young children who may wake in the night, talk to your spouse about trading off childcare duties so you can attend to your worship.

Setting a suitable atmosphere for Qiyam ul Layl prayer can create a conducive environment for worship and increase one's focus and concentration. Choose a place in your home that is free from distractions and noise. Keep the area clean and tidy, and avoid any clutter or unnecessary items that may be distracting. Use soft, dim lighting to create a peaceful atmosphere. Avoid bright lights that may be harsh on the eyes and disrupt concentration. Dress in comfortable, clean and modest clothing that is suitable for prayer. Turn off or silence your phone and any other electronic devices to avoid any distractions.

Making your surroundings conducive for Qiyam ul Layl shouldn't be a daunting task. Do what comes easy to you! Whether organizing your space, setting up a cozy prayer corner, or simplifying your routines, every effort counts.

The primary purpose of staying up during Qiyamul Layla is to perform the 

. It is a voluntary prayer performed in the last third of the night and is considered a very virtuous act of worship.

Spend some time reciting and reflecting on the verses of the Quran. This is a great way to increase your knowledge and strengthen your faith.

 Qiyam ul Layla is an excellent time to make du'a (supplication) to Allah (S). You can ask for forgiveness, guidance, and blessings for yourself and others. Check out my fellow Haute Take writer Danah Shuli’s piece on 

how to gather your thoughts to make du’a

 Dhikr refers to the remembrance of Allah (S) through the repetition of certain phrases. This can include reciting the 99 names of Allah or saying 

 (Allah is the greatest). Another form of dhikr is reciting 

, which are various short du’as that send blessings upon the Prophet Muhammad (saw).

 Use this time to increase your knowledge about Islam. You can read Islamic books or listen to lectures and podcasts.

Fortunately, many Islamic institutions and scholars are offering online Ramadan lecture series that can help lift spirits and provide inspiration during this holy month. (Here are 

 you can check out.) Whether you're looking for guidance on how to make the most of your fast or simply seeking knowledge about Islam, these lectures will surely provide valuable insights that will enrich your experience of Ramadan.

 Qiyam ul Layla is a great time to reflect on your blessings and make plans to help those less fortunate. Consider donating to charity (it’s so easy to do so online during the night) or making plans for volunteering your time to help those in need.

Qiyam ul Layla is an excellent opportunity to increase your worship and devotion to Allah (S). Don’t be intimidated by the prospect of staying up until suhoor. But at the same time, push yourself. These are the most special nights in the whole year to beseech Allah (S), connect with Him and reap the rewards of sacrificing your sleep and comfort to worship He who is most merciful, most forgiving, the most loving.

If you’re exhausted by your children or other responsibilities, don’t despair. Do whatever you can for whatever time you can spareto engage in QIyamul Layl. Every little bit is worth so much, because Allah (S) knows our hearts and struggles. And by performing the tahajjud prayer and engaging in other acts of worship, you can, 

, strengthen your faith and improve your spiritual connection. 

and blessings of these last blessed days and nights of Ramadan. 

The Importance of Qiyam ul Layl & How to Engage in its Worship and Prayer at Home

Have you ever raised your hands up to make 

but felt like your tongue is tied? Sometimes life brings us to a point where we find ourselves speechless, unable to articulate what we are feeling and what we need, even in front of the one who knows what our heart is carrying.

Sometimes this is enough – to come as you are, overcome with your emotions and unable to process, and just call out to the all mighty, “Ya Allah, Oh Allah!” 

Vulnerability is the key to getting closer to Allah (S) and opening up the doors of guidance.

Oh Allah (S), answer for us what we are unable to say and what is difficult for us to formulate while you know it. Oh Allah, and accept every invocation that is static in our chests, and we do not know how to say it to you.

Du’a is so important in our lives as Muslims. And 

, like when we're breaking our fast or travelling, we are taught that these are some of the best times that our du'as will be, Insha'Allah, be answered.

So how should we make du’a such that we’re able to ask for what we want to ask for and have full faith that Allah (S) is listening and WILL answer our prayers in a way that is best for us? Just like with all aspects of our religion, we turn to the Quran and sunnah to learn how to make dua, the best times to raise our hands and ask Allah (S) for what our heart desires, and the mannerisms around making du’a.

Having a framework in place is helpful in order to maximize our supplication. For example, it’s important to be aware of the 

. While any moment in the day is an opportunity to raise our hands in supplication, we know from the hadith and sunnah that there are special times that are most beloved to Allah (S) for His servant to call upon Him: “And when my servants ask you about Me, then tell them I am near. I answer the call of every believer when they call upon me so let them also answer my call and believe in me so they may find rightful guidance.”[2:186]

or when you break your fast or when you pause in your day to make du’a and you don’t know how to go about it, remember these simple things, and know that Allah (S) knows your heart.

Showing our gratitude for Allah’s (S) blessings makes us from the few who remember to be aware of all the good Allah (S) has made accessible to us regardless of the hardships we are going through. "And few of my servants are grateful.” [34:13]

There is always something that is worth our 

. Our health, the delicious food we have to break out fast, the roof above our heads, and so much more that is taken for granted. Do you have water to sip? Alhamdulillah. Were you able to sleep at night? Alhamdulillah. Start making du’a by taking a moment to be mindful of all that is going well and the blessings you have is a healing and calming exercise that will set the perfect foundation for the rest of your du’a.

When making du’a, it is from the manners of du’a to think positively of Allah (S) and to not attribute your hardships and any evil to Him. Again, we go back to the notion of thanking The Almighty for His infinite blessings upon us, and we want to come to Allah (S) in our most vulnerable state to confide in Him and complain to Him about our hardship and situation.

. The All Knowing, The All Hearing and The All Seeing. Think of Allah (S) as your closest companion, your confidant, the one who truly knows you better than you know yourself and is available to you at a moment's notice to hear your worries, your complaints and your heartache. And yes, you can complain and share your grief, despair and anger with Him without blaming Him.

We see this form of du’a in the story of Prophet Yusuf (as), when his father, Prophet Yacoub (as), says to his sons in a moment where he is overcome with sorrow, “I only complain of my suffering and my grief to Allah.'' [12:86] It is important to remember that being vulnerable in front of Allah (S) does not mean we should feel unworthy of His mercy or ask Allah (S) why He has inflicted hardship on us. (And even if you do find yourself questioning Him in your most emotional moments, know that He knows your true intentions and how you are suffering.) Pour your emotions into your du’a and know that all good is in the hands of Allah (S).

Use Allah (S) Names and Attributes to Formulate Your Du’a

 is a beautiful way to incorporate them into your du'a and beautify your supplication. We do this by 

connecting our need to one of the names and attributes of Allah (S)

, and then call to Him by that name. It is a sincere and truly intimate way of calling to Allah (S). Begin by praising Allah (S) by calling upon Him with a specific name and attribute. Then, follow His name(s) with a du’a based on the need you are asking for that is directly connected to His name and description you called upon.

For example, when asking for sustenance, we call out to 

, The Sustainer, “Ya Razzaq.” We call out to the one who provides for us; and even in our moment of need, it’s important to include all that Allah (S) has already sustained us with. Once you start connecting your du’a to a name and attribute of Allah (S) that correlates to what you are asking for, you will find yourself always making du’a using this technique.

I highly suggest taking a few moments prior to making your du’a to be mindful of what it is you are trying to ask for, and be mindful of the names of Allah (S) that you would like to use. It’s also helpful to keep a du’a journal to keep all of your du’as in one easy accessible place for you to add on to. Think of your du’a journal as a collection of your du’a, including things you would like to ask Allah (S) for and a place where you can keepsake du’as from the Quran and hadith you come across and want to save for later.

Personally, I treat my du’a journal as an idea board. I jot down new du’a’s that I learn. Before Ramadan, I try to make a du’a list that I can go back to whenever I want. The idea is to keep all of your thoughts and wishes in one place for easy access.

If you’re unfamiliar with the 99 names of Allah (S), take some time to go through the names and attributes and write down each of His names that correlates with each du’a you have written down. This will make your du’a process effortless when you are ready to raise your hands and connect with Allah (S). Writing down our du’’a keeps us mindful and spiritually connected to Allah (S), our blessings, our loved ones who have passed, and those who have asked us to make dua for them.

When All Else Evades You, Just Raise Your Hands Up and Beseech Allah (S)

Remember that making du’a is a conversation between you and your creator. There are no mediators between Allah (S) and His creation. Start with Ya Allah (S) and pour your heart out. Talk to Him about your situation and have faith that Allah (S) will answer the call of his servants, on His own time, when He sees it is fitting for us.

Sh. Makaeel Ahmed Smith of the Qalam Institute shares in this 

 how du'a doesn't need any formality or pretenses, saying "Raise your hands. Stop holding back. Stop looking around you – 

What's this dude gonna think? What's she gonna think?

 – Who cares. Time is running out. How long will you be so formal with God? He knows you before you know you. ... All He wants for you is to come back to Him."

As Sh. Omar Suleiman of the Yaqeen Institute says in 

, “May Allah make us amongst those who always turn back to him with our hardships and thank him for our blessings and get closer to him in hardship and in ease, and may he make the best of our deeds last of them. May he allow our du'a to be accepted in Ramadan and beyond. And may he allow us to observe 

Ya Allah (S) ... Then What? Here are 4 Ways You Can Gather Your Thoughts to Make Du'a

There is a certain nostalgia tied to construction paper for me. The smell of the bright pages takes me back to my childhood when my siblings, mom and I would cut out paper link garlands and lanterns to hang around our home for Ramadan. I knew Ramadan was coming when my mom bought a fresh pack of colorful construction paper and took out our crazy scissors that cut in all sorts of designs.

tray to my bedroom as she would rotate between my sisters and I is another memory that I hang on to. I knew Ramadan was here when we huddled around each other in bed eating our suhoor (pre-dawn meal) together half asleep. Ramadan for me was about attending iftar dinners at friends’ homes, hosting them in our own, and going to the masjid to eat in communion on the days my parents cooked alongside other families for the community.

with friends was what Ramadan was all about. We would look forward to the annual masjid qiyam sleepovers, and tarawih nights where we got to see our friends, worship together and enjoy each other's company over some desserts and laughter.

As a first generation Muslim living in the West, I look back at these experiences and memories that define Ramadan for me and am grateful that my family and my community was able to engrain the essence of the month in us despite having minimal resources.

In an effort to keep the spirit of Ramadan alive for my own children, I find myself getting lost in what Ramadan has become; a decor show and tell. Hear me out. While I am grateful for the abundance in resources and shops that are available now and like to support Muslim-owned businesses, every year I find myself getting overwhelmed by the latest trends and Ramadan products.

(In fact, I compiled a comprehensive list of Ramadan vendors and businesses for you for the past three years. See 

I see the importance of it all, and I am definitely one to decorate. This is not meant to wax negative about Ramadan decor. Besides, it is part of our religion and the sunnah to beautify our homes. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: “

.“In keeping with the Islamic tradition that our homes are a reflection of our personality and values, as Muslims we strive to keep a clean home that reflects beauty, warmth and love.

Here’s the thing though: Here in America, we live in a society that thrives on celebrations, mostly of the non-Muslim kind. We want our children to feel the festivity of their own holidays and religious practices, and rightfully so. But, where do we draw the line? To what extent do we bend over to make our kids excited about their Muslim identity and holidays while also keeping the essence of what the observance of Ramadan and these celebrations are truly about?

It’s no coincidence that leading up to this Ramadan, I have taken some time to reflect on my intentions with what I’d like to do around the home and for myself and family. I see the excitement on my kids’ faces when I take my Ramadan decor boxes out. They feel the shift in environment when the decorations go up and know that we are preparing to welcome a very special guest, the month of Ramadan.

However, this year before hopping online to shop for the newest additions to my collection, I needed to set my priorities. Then I came across 

post on Instagram, and it all made sense. Reading what the writer had to say, I won’t hide the fact that I felt like it was directed towards me; A first-generation Muslim mom excited about the possibilities at my fingertips and living her childhood dreams through her children and taking it to the next level.

In the post, credited to Isra Hashmy, she writes about the proliferation of Ramadan traditions that draw from other religions, like a Ramadan tree or building gingerbread mosques. She warns against the excesses of enticing and exciting children through “superficial” means of decor and urges parents to build love and tradition around the observation of Ramadan through worship.

How Can We Balance Beautifying Our Homes With Beautifying Our Hearts?

It made me think, at what point did we let go of the essence of Ramadan and our own cultural traditions and started to adapt western holiday traditions and make them “our own?'' All in the name of making Ramadan and Eid exciting for our children?

Let’s not forget that Ramadan is not Eid. Ramadan is the month of worship, Eid is the celebration. Let me be clear: While engaging in the local Ramadan bazaars and beautifying our homes is important, I invite you (and myself) to tie in the concept of worship and charity with your children. For example, preparing Ramadan baskets with iftar staples such as rice, lentils, olive oil, dates and honey and passing them out to families in need can be a great opportunity for your children to start off the month festivities on a charitable note. 

In our community, a volunteer group has started this initiative as an annual event where donations are collected a few weeks leading up to Ramadan, and the community gets together to prepare and deliver the baskets.

As my children get older I have woven this activity into our annual Ramadan celebratory traditions by taking them to take part in the basket preparation before enjoying our local Ramadan markets where they get to take part in the fun.

Decorating and beautifying our homes for Ramadan sure is fun and gives us a beautiful feeling. The ambiance in the house changes when the Ramadan decor goes up. It excites our kids. I still love it and do it, but with moderation. My mind shift came during my weekly halaqa last week, my teacher was giving us some pointers as we prepare our families and ourselves for Ramadan.

The topic of extravagance in decor came up, and we also talked about the importance of celebration, especially as mothers of young children in this society. She told us to “decorate our homes but don’t forget to decorate our hearts.”

(Want to support businesses who are donating to various charity campaigns for Ramadan? Here are 

This really resonated with me. We all know what it means to decorate and clean our home in preparation for Ramadan. But what does it mean to decorate your heart? Free yourself from any grudges. Forgive those who have wronged you, apologize to those you may have wronged. Let go of all distractions, both virtually and physically.

Designate a specific corner or room in your home 

). Clean it, beautify it, take out your Quran and lay your prayer rug down. Physically preparing yourself for the month of worship will allow you to go into Ramadan ready to receive Allah’s mercy and forgiveness.

Take some time to write down your Ramadan goals and intentions and make this an activity for the kids as well. Don’t set yourself up for failure by reaching for unattainable goals. Allah (S) loves deeds that are small yet consistent. You know yourself and your limits 

Live a Ramadan that is suitable for you and your family dynamic in order to maximize on the blessings and to thoroughly enjoy Ramadan and the worship of fasting. With its struggles and hardships, we can all attest to the beauty that Ramadan brings to our lives. It is a month that for a short 30 days allows the 

to live in union, its own time capsule so to speak. While the hustle and bustle of our day to day never ends, there’s no denying the shift in routine and atmosphere. There is something special about worshiping in communion that makes the fasting and waking up for 