Not all friendships are alike. Some are mutually beneficial and enjoyable, with give and take across the course of that friendship. But others, well they can run along more toxic lines – like the so-called friendship of Caroline Bingley from Pride and Prejudice, who approached her friendships with the agenda of what she – and only she – could get out of them.

Friendships can be important and integral parts of our lives and a source of love and support. A good friend can provide us with essential connections to prevent loneliness and isolation and foster a sense of belonging. Friends can also play integral roles in encouraging us to be better people, helping us build our confidence, manage stress (and the life events that cause them) and initiate healthy behaviors.

A good friend who conveys positivity is a blessing from Allah (S), but not every friend is automatically a good one who will add to our lives. A friend can positively influence various aspects of our lives but also inject negativity (purposefully or unwittingly) into our lives, impacting our mindsets and how we behave with them and the world. Knowing when a friendship is a toxic one can be extremely difficult.

The Prophet (saw) compared good and bad friends, explaining:

The above hadith explains how the dynamics of a friendship can affect us in ways that we may not recognize. The scent of smoke and musk indicates that our friends can have subtle influence over who we are. When those effects are positive, we have the ability to thrive. However, involvement in a toxic friendship increases stress, lowers self-esteem and poisons other positive relationships we might have in our lives.

Which is why it is so important to recognize when a friendship is toxic and decide what to do about a toxic friend.

So, what is a toxic friendship? Licensed counselor and author, Suzanne Degges-White describes a toxic friendship as when “one person is being emotionally harmed or used by another, making the relationship more of a burden than support.” Principally, it is when one person takes advantage of another in ways that only benefit them and hurts the other.

It may be difficult to imagine that another Muslim may be toxic. After all, they (ideally) worship Allah (S) and seek His (S) pleasure and forgiveness. It is important to keep in mind that everyone has flaws, even people involved in their faith. Part of a person’s human frailty may include behaviors that harm us emotionally, making it important that we identify those behavioral traits and think about ways we can protect ourselves from their negative impact.

There are numerous signs of a toxic friend, and each toxic friend is usually unique in the way they may interact with you or someone else. Bearing that in mind, here are some key signs that a friendship may be toxic.

Insults and teasing – We all tease our friend occasionally, but when one friend endures constant criticism from the other, that may be a sign of toxicity. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said, “The Muslim is the one from whose tongue and hand the people are safe.” We should all maintain care when it comes to the words we use with people. A toxic friend will inflict constant insults and criticisms, and they will often dismiss you if you express how their words hurt your feelings.

Attention hungry – It is normal to want to spend quality time with friends. However, a toxic friend will seek to dominate all of your attention. They may constantly call or text, always in crisis and may insist that you are the only person who understands them. As a result, you may feel trapped and guilty for wanting time to yourself or with someone else.

Jealousy – A toxic friend will be jealous of the other people in your life or of your own accomplishments or even your own personality. They may insult other friends or even say things behind your back to sabotage other relationships so they can have you all to themselves.

Lack of balance – A mutually-beneficial friendship will have a balance, where each person gives and receives support and validation. Sometimes, one friend may require more support because of problems they may face. Everything is not always 50/50, and you may want to be the rock for your friend, but it should not be a perpetual burden.

In a toxic friendship, one person will make the relationship all about them. They will not have time for your life experiences and/or problems. They will consistently draw and drain from you, refusing to adequately meet your needs. As a result, you may experience emotional drain and neglect other relationships. They may also ask you to shrink yourself for the friendship to continue.

Constant competition – There is nothing wrong with friends engaging in some competition, but in a toxic friendship, it may seem like you have to constantly worry about being outdone by someone who is supposed to support you. A friend should celebrate your accomplishments, not constantly compare them to theirs to establish superiority. When you share something you’ve achieved or maybe your child (if you have children) has achieved, this friend meets it with their own better achievement or story.

Bad influence – A good friend will give advice and be an example of how we can improve ourselves personally and be better worshippers of Allah (S). A toxic friend may do this as well, but they may also put you into precarious situations that bring out the worst in you. They may have encouraged you to do good, but then don’t forbid you from doing wrong. You may feel like you have no choice but to engage in bad behavior because they are a friend who may have been there for you in other ways.

It may be difficult to accept that a friendship is toxic and harder to decide whether to fix or end it.

A friendship’s toxicity may be repairable. The friend may be unaware that they are engaging in toxic behavior. Having honest conversations may help to alleviate some of the toxicity. Also, think about ways you may be assessing situations with your friend, how you react to them and if you are setting up the boundaries needed to diminish the toxic elements in the friendship.

If the toxic friendship is beyond fixing, you may have to come to the painful conclusion of ending the friendship. Once you decide that a friendship needs to end, take the steps necessary to heal:

1. Realize it's okay to go your separate ways. Not all relationships last forever.

2. Focus on your healthy relationships. Concentrate on the relationships with people that help you develop as an individual.

3. Don't stew in your bitterness. Forgive the friend and yourself. Let go of contempt and guilt.

4. Let yourself move on. Know you deserve better treatment, and move on.

5. Allow yourself to be sad. It’s okay to mourn the loss of a friend. Reflect on the things that made you feel bad in the friendship to avoid them in future relationships.

6. Reflect on what you learned. Even toxic friendships teach us something. Think about what this one taught you about yourself and the types of friendships you want in the future.

[source: Bustle.com]

Islam teaches us to be a community of believers who support one another. However, that doesn’t mean that we need to have everyone who shares our faith as intimate friends. We can aid each other in deen without enduring friendships that harm us.