The fact that there is a hashtag called #momguilt speaks to the many hats we moms are expected to wear today, which are often unrealistic and sometimes even self-imposed! I don’t blame us – with all the messages we get, from the media to family to the established norms in our cultural and spiritual communities, it’s a lot! #momguilt is a response to feeling guilty that you’re not doing enough for your kids because your attention gets focused elsewhere: on work, school, and/or other duties that require a significant portion of your time. How do we combat and overcome this nagging feeling of guilt and helplessness? Read on! 

Relax. Breathe. You’re trying your best, and when bad things happen, they’re not your fault. Forgot to feed your baby veggies? Your son’s 2nd-grade history project got soaked in spilled juice? Kids didn’t get their nighttime bath? IT’S OKAY! A lack of perfection is good for kids – it teaches them how to adapt and go with the flow. If you forgive yourself, your kids will learn not to be too hard on themselves, either.  

Is it an oxymoron to make time for yourself when you already feel like you're not spending enough time with your little ones? Not at all! Being on mommy-on-call mode 24/7 can wear you down because you’ve been running on autopilot and aren’t able to focus easily on the present. If you feel like you need a break every once in a while to re-energize and get a change of pace, allow yourself to soak in some kid-free time every once in a while. Call the sitter or a relative to watch the kids while you self-indulge – whether it’s time with your girlfriends, a solo trip to the park or coffee shop, or even catching up on your favorite show or movie at home. You’ll come out of it refreshed and ready to get back into the mommy-groove of things. 

Feeling frenzied from a lack of time and energy can also stem from a billion things buzzing on your radar that you’re trying to tackle all at once. Stop and asses what they are, and rank them in order of importance. Do what’s most urgent and necessary first, and let the other priorities fall into their respective place. Make a list of your “non-negotiables,” such as weekly dinners with the family, a nightly stroll around the block, or praying Fajr as a family. When asked to do something in the community or from friends or relatives, see if the request conflicts with your non-negotiables. If it doesn’t, let it fall into its rightful place on your priority list.

I just wrote a whole blog post about this. The key takeaway is involving your kids in household chores, gardening, and whatever else consumes your daily routine. Integrate their eager minds and boundless energy by enlisting their help and input as much as possible. You’re showing them how to be responsible and even creative when they get bored. It might take some patience on your end, but if you actively engage their participation, it’ll be time well spent with your little ones.

I was one of the least organized people I knew up until very recently. I wondered why I always felt stressed and exhausted even before I got out of bed in the morning. I realized it was because I wasn’t taking an honest assessment of my priorities (see point #3) and getting serious about how I managed my time. Evernote and Wunderlist are great apps for recording your to-do lists and setting reminders. Think about how long your various tasks take and give them an extra buffer room of 20%. For example, if driving to school or daycare in the morning takes 20 minutes, add five extra minutes of “buffer time” to account for surprises or unexpected delays along the way.

You are not a machine. Accept that everything can’t be done perfectly all the time. As long as you’re hitting all the major targets of your to-do list and your family is healthy and relatively happy, don’t sweat it. You’re doing great!

I repeat: you are not a machine. Outsource meals, grocery delivery, or house cleaning if your budget allows. Ask for extra help when you need it, whether from friends, family, in-laws, and remember to return the favor when they need your help, too! It takes a village to raise children and keep families healthy and intact, so don’t feel guilty about building community and strengthening ties with your loved ones as you do it!

Banish #momguilt from your vocabulary. Whether you’re a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, you’re doing your best to hold down the fort and provide for your family. If you feel overwhelmed or stressed by the duties that lie ahead of you, give yourself space to refresh, recharge, and get proactive about your priorities. Weed out the time-consuming activities that don’t align with your non-negotiable values so you can free up more time with your children and loved ones. Power onward!