heal·ing

[ˈhēliNG]

NOUN

1. the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again: "the gift of healing"

I want to be honest with you. I have had a very difficult time sitting down and writing this. I wish I could just tell you I am miraculously healed, that my every day is filled with rainbows and butterflies and that my relationship with my parents is fantastic. But not only would I be lying to you, but also to myself.

My journey into healing generational trauma is ongoing and likely will continue long into the next generation. When you have identified and are trying to heal generational trauma, there isn’t a quick fix. That is, unfortunately, how this will ultimately play out. However, I am determined to make it a priority to take each day, each moment, and dedicate myself to the healing process so that I can end this traumatic cycle once and for all.

If you are facing and trying to heal from generational trauma, Insha’Allah, these six actions can be helpful to you as well.

1. Recognize negative patterns of behavior: This is probably the most important step of them all. Removing yourself from the trauma means acknowledging that you are in a toxic relationship, and yes, this means even within your family unit. If you need a refresher feel free to go back and read Part One of this series. Some quick signs or symptoms that you are experiencing generational trauma include ( but are not limited to):

2. Set the necessary boundaries: I know that in Islam, we feel that we can’t cut ties with our family, but the reality is that if you can't remove yourself from the toxic situation, you don’t allow yourself space to heal. You need to free up space for your emotional energy to start the healing process without being bogged down by other potentially harmful energy from your toxic family members. This, unfortunately, requires extreme sacrifices on your part and, in my situation, total removal of myself from my parents for an extended period. Removing yourself from these relationships doesn’t have to be something that lasts your lifetime, depending on how your healing progresses.

3. Forgive: This may be the hardest part of the healing journey – the ability to see the other side and permit yourself to forgive. I recognize through a lot of therapy and ongoing therapeutic support that my abusers have likely abused themselves and that my parents’ inability to see the situation for what it was, was because they had traumatic experiences in their own childhoods.

My mother’s and my trip to Spain opened up an opportunity for dialogue that allowed me to actually SEE my mother as an individual and not as my maternal entity. By first creating space to process my own emotions, I was able to have the ability to listen to my mother and, in doing so, begin to understand how we got to our current situation. There is a freedom and lightness in the ability to forgive that I was able to gift myself during this process.

4. Acceptance: I will never get back that idyllic childhood experience. I will always have a little anxiety and fear under the surface of my smiling demeanor. I will always see other mother-daughter duos and crave the closeness I see between them. I will always have a little bit of grief and anger at the childhood I never had.

I have chosen in my 40’s to accept that I am NOT perfect and that my trauma does NOT define me, and that even through my “broken-ness” I can rebuild something uniquely mine. I am blessed beyond measure to be a mother to my children in a way that I wasn’t mothered. I have accepted that MY children saved my life, and in turn, I can be the vessel of love and support FOR them.

5. Nurture your inner child: I know that this may sound like a bunch of new-age nonsense, BUT it is extremely important in the journey to allow yourself to heal completely. YOU are now in control of the narrative of your story, and ask yourself how you want that story to end. Each sentence, each paragraph and each chapter shapes how you allow your story to be told. You owe that sad, scared child of the past a few appearances in your present so that he/she can fully heal.

6. Practice, practice, practice: For people who have suffered from past trauma, there is an elegant beauty in creating consistent rituals for yourself. This helps calm the nervous system and, in turn, allows the negative energy to be tuned down while allowing the positive energy to flow. Here are some practices you can engage in:

As I began this series early on in the summer, my healing story is still being written. With every stroke of the keyboard, every sajdah that I can perform, every sentence of gratitude, and with every hug I give my children, my healing continues, and my scars begin to fade.

Until next time,

Zaiba

Zaiba Hasan is part of the dynamic duo behind the award-winning podcast, Mommying While Muslim. She is the founder of and a spiritual parent coach at Emerge Consulting Solutions, an interfaith mediator and sports mama extraordinaire. Look for her on the baseball fields and basketball courts in the DMV (Washington, D.C.-Maryland-Virginia) area cheering from the sidelines.