Many of my family mediation clients come to me when things between them have spiraled out of control. Sadly, the number one reason for family turmoil stems from parents’ interactions with each other. What children need the most after the essentials of survival is a loving, stable family environment, with parents at the core of that. This is regardless of the parent's marital status, by the way.

Healthy co-parenting IS possible. Everything our children learn about their future relationships begins with what they see in their parents’ relationship with each other. If you are like a majority of Gen-X, Xennial, Millennial mamas out there, chances are you didn’t see your parents display affection towards one another. Not to say they didn’t love each other in their ways, but that “Cinderella-inspired” love story wasn’t something we saw in our parents.

Not surprisingly, the divorce rate for that Gen-X, Xennial, Millennials demographic in the Muslim community has been cited anywhere from 45-50 percent. To break these generational patterns, we need to model a healthy married relationship for our children to emulate.

Here are the top five things I have found that helps:

1. You need to love and respect yourself as an autonomous individual within a partnership. Trust me, and this is the most important, if not the most challenging thing you will ever do, especially during these COVID times with many families living AND working in the home together. No two people (especially married people) are SUPPOSED to spend this much time together.

Having your hobbies, interests, and friends are not only integral components of your mental health, they keep your relationship fun and exciting. You have something to talk about other than kids, bills, and household-related conversations. This also illustrates to your child(ren) that you don’t need to lose yourself just because you're in a relationship.

2. NEVER speak negatively about your significant other in front of your child. I admit that for me when my husband of 23-plus years drives me nuts, I bite my tongue. Sometimes to the point of drawing blood. If you want your child to respect you, you can’t disrespect their father. They need to know that the two of you play fair even when you’re angry. It teaches kids to never play dirty with their partner’s reputation. Of course it’s important that both of you try and adhere to this.

Zaiba Hasan and her husband Zafar

3. “Never go to bed angry.” Yeah, this is bull. You need to make space within the relationship and show anger sometimes. Your children should be allowed to get a front-row view of how a healthy relationship manages conflict. Give yourself permission to be annoyed, angry, hurt, disappointed, but do not let it spin out of control. Seething conversations through gritted teeth isn’t the answer either, but taking time to think it through and having respectful, firm conversations even within earshot of the kids is exemplary conflict resolution they need to see to do in the future.

It’s great to let the kids hear you say, “[Partner], I’m really angry right now, and I need to come back when I’m feeling better and more even keel,” so they feel empowered to do the same when they feel strong feelings in their future relationship.

4. If your children see you fight, make sure they see you kiss and make-up. This can sometimes be an awkward thing for your kid to see. Whenever my hubby and I kiss each other in the morning, my Z4 (youngest child) squeezes his eyes shut and yells “Gross!” However, it doesn’t stop us from smooching a little bit longer. Creating that sense of intimacy with each other doesn’t mean PDA all the time, but it does mean carving out time to chat about things other than household logistics. But also, let them see a little physical-ness between you!

Do things together outside of kids and kid-related activities. That can be a regular date night, binge-watching a show you both like, or even daring to dream big and go on a non-kid vacation together!!! Finding that time to regularly connect, even if 5-10 minutes a day, helps bridge the gap between couples that kids inevitably bring.

5. Get outside help if needed. There is no shame in asking for help if you feel it is necessary to do so. My kids are fully aware that my husband and I have gone to couples therapy at various times in our relationship. My theory is, we weren’t supposed to live this long, so being married “for life” has a very different meaning today than it did a few generations ago.

This means we have to work a little harder to keep things moving in the right direction, and that means we may have to walk back a little before walking forward. We are always growing and evolving as individuals, and it takes work to continue to grow and evolve together. Sometimes we may need an outside person to help facilitate that.

The American-Muslim community spends a lot of time focusing on the wedding day. We start talking about it as soon as our children hit puberty. No one wants to talk about what happens to Cinderella after she marries the Prince, and the honeymoon is over. Chances are, she is a hot mess, bags under her eyes, milk stains on her dress, and having thoughts about smothering the Prince while he sleeps. However, if you play your cards right and make the effort to cultivate the relationship as you learn and grow as a person, your children will benefit.

And, Insha’Allah, this will continue for generations to come.

XOXO

Until next time,

Zaiba