By Dr. Uzma Jafri
February is the month that we and our listeners look forward to because topics such as sexual rights AND dysfunction and reproductive health show up. Summed “women’s health” by mainstream, we don’t call it that on our Mommying While Muslim podcast
because frankly, no one would listen. So we spell it out, continue to laugh and learn more about our bodies and sexual selves and invite all on this ride with us.
Even those who say they don’t speak of “such things” will tune in because audio offers the anonymity available to armchair athletes getting mostly misinformation on their devices. Clutching their hijabs and self righteousness, they usually relax and come around.
We strive at Mommying While Muslim podcast to make sure that the majority of our listeners – active, alert and vigilant Muslim American moms – only have FACTS to empower themselves and their kids. When we know better, we do better. Especially during our Februaries, when we are inundated with falsehoods of industrialized sex and worse, love and relationships in the West.
Remarkably, non-mothers also follow our podcast, and it is for their benefit that we share some truths, mostly untold, not to frighten anyone into voluntary spinsterhood, but to arm future vigilant mothers and women of the perils of misinformation, misconceptions and stereotypes that will inundate Februaries to come. So, here are 10 important things to remember to help facilitate good and lasting physical intimacy with you and your spouse or if you're looking to get married.
1. “Oh my God, I’m so hairy.” Or, “She’s so hairy.” Statements like these about our physical appearances follow us into adulthood. We women are human. Humans are hairy. We women are hairy. Hair removal should be for CONVENIENCE, not because we think hair on our great toe makes us mutants. Love our hair everywhere.
Image source: Pexels
2. Men do not care about women’s bodies. The ones who do are waving a big red flag. Block them on that app. They want sex, not love.
3. Invest in your own passions, education and humility before getting angry at a partner for not having them. Better to do this before signing a nikkah contract. So\meone who encourages you to do the same before he marries you is waving a green flag. GO, because he’s also looking for love.
4. Invest in mutual respect and attraction before and during marriage. This may look like chivalry to you and those you love. Another green flag, and it likely makes him look super dreamy.
5. Once you marry, it can quickly go downhill in your physical relationship unless you know how to take a detour. Everyone acts like they know what they’re doing in bed, and the majority don’t. Talk to each other about what you don’t know. Honesty is loving and sexy.
6. If you have to ask yourself, “Was that okay” with something new in bed, it probably wasn’t. Don’t be afraid to say that. Safety and consent are critical. See #4.
7. If you say to yourself, “Wow, that was good,” it probably was, and you should share that with your spouse. It will pay off big later. Some ego stroking is fine as long as it goes both ways. Make sure it does. See #4.
Image source: Pexels
8. And after the baby carriage comes into the picture, sex may be sporadic in the throes of mommyhood, especially with littles. You’re not going to get divorced unless you forget numbers 4-7.
9. Middle of the night sex means middle of the night ghusl (the ritual bathing/cleansing you must do after having physical relations.) If you have kids, one of those boogers is going to get up and help you miss fajr if you don’t make ghusl right away. We women know timing is important, but your husband didn’t get the memo because it was the middle of the night and it’s hard on him. So, ghusl ASAP because love of Allah (S) increases your love for and from everywhere else.
10. The way to a man’s heart is not his stomach. That is a lie someone told so she wouldn’t have to sleep with a husband she hated. Anticipate needs and don’t wait until someone requests help. It’s a mad turn on when he takes out the trash without asking or puts away something – and he needs to know that. And it’ll turn him on when you reciprocate. Say your thank yous and share household duties for mind blowing sex. See #7.
In hindsight, it looks like numbers 4-7 are really all you need to know, what I like to call “cake” in a relationship. Keep the others as icing as you scroll left looking for the father of your future children or as you nurture and grow the relationship you have with your spouse and fellow parenting partner. It’s never too late to learn how to be better! May Allah (S) make it easy and fruitful for all that do.
Dr. Uzma Jafri is originally from Texas, mom to four self-directed learners, a volunteer in multiple organizations from dawah resources to refugee social support services, and runs her own private practice. She is an aspiring writer and co host of Mommying While Muslim podcast, tipping the scales towards that ever elusive balance as the podcast tackles issues second generation Americans have the voice and stomach to tackle.