Finding the right partner can be a struggle, and it may feel like you’re looking for a needle in a haystack, whether you go a traditional match maker route, explore other outlets, such as Muslim halal dating apps, try to meet someone on your own or attend Muslim social events. And, all this has been exacerbated the past few years with pandemic isolation. So, what’s a woman to do?

I chatted with two Muslim women, one from New York and the the other from my North Carolina community on their experiences in their journey to finding a soulmate. Through our conversation, I learned so much about the struggles they are facing in their communities and society when it comes to looking for a spouse as well as their tips and advice for others who may be in the same shoes.

Khadijah*, 24 years old: I come from a very small, tightknit Muslim community. I was homeschooled up until college, and my dad is the imam at our local masjid. My dad helps me by introducing me to Muslim men in the community, but it’s also a very limited pool of people.

I attended community college before transferring to a bigger college. At the community college I was the only Muslim there, so I was not very successful in meeting other Muslims in general, let alone potential spouses. In college, although it is a bigger school setting, I find that I am the oldest one in the group. A lot of people are freshmen, and most people in my age range that I would be interested in (24-26) are set to graduate or have their careers planned.

Zainab*, 32 years old: For me it’s been about a decade of searching, so I feel like I have seen it all and learned a lot through the process. Each relationship has taught me what I want in a partner – deen, akhlaq (manners), someone who talks to me, someone with hobbies, etc. I’ve dealt with men who have great personalities and have their lives together and those who don’t have a clue about what they want other than getting married. I’ve dealt with misogyny, where the man couldn’t handle that I make more money in the relationship.

My first serious relationship was with an older guy who filled all the boxes, however we were in different seasons of life. I was a sophomore in college, around 20 years old, and he was in his late 20’s with his career set and ready to start a family. I realized that I just wasn’t ready to commit to that life yet. I wanted to finish school. Although it didn’t work out, I learned a lot about myself, and this man in particular taught me that there are good guys out there. Unfortunately, we might just not be ready when that person comes into your life. This man taught me to go with my gut instinct.

I have a strong personality that may come off as intimidating to many people, and I've been told to tone it down, but that’s just not me, and I refuse to change who I am for anyone. Alhamdulillah I feel very fortunate and blessed to have a close and open relationship with my dad and brothers, so I go to them when I need advice or direction.

As the youngest, I’ve been exposed to my siblings' marriages, my parents' marriage and have realized what personalities fit me over time. In every relationship I've examined, you end up marrying a compatible opposite. You need balance for a relationship to thrive. We all have different traits, and respecting those differences is key.

One of the struggles I’ve faced when talking to men is having open conversations about taboo topics. No one wants to talk about the real stuff! For example, conversations around periods and hormones – I want to be transparent and let the other person know what is going on with my body so that they are not alarmed when that time of the month hits and I am more reserved or feel moody. Many men brush it off, and say it doesn’t affect them when in reality it most definitely will, especially when we are living under the same room.

I’ve never had an issue getting to know guys who are younger than me [or of a different race or culture]. To me, it brings so much perspective. You can be young and mature, and old and immature, I’ve dealt with both. I always told myself that by 25 I was going to be married, but when I realized that vision was not happening, I re-evaluated my outlook on life and said I’m just going to do me. I don't have to wait for marriage to fulfill my to-do lists, my bucket lists.

My rule of thumb when it comes to navigating a relationship is to look for an emotional connection, an intellectual connection and physical attraction. By the first week of talking, I should have an idea about if the guy is truly interested in me and what his intentions are. You should know if you want to continue based on how you two are connecting.

Khadijah: I’d like others to understand that I’m not just looking for anyone. When you’re interested in getting married, you’re looking for a soul mate, a father for your children. So many men that I’ve come across are not husband or father material. They are lacking in their faith and are not in it to make a real connection and build love and friendship.

I personally haven’t felt any cultural pressures or pressure from my family, however I see it in my community. I have younger brothers who are married in their early 20’s, and it seems so easy for them. However, for me, it’s been difficult to find the right guy. I’ve never met anyone that clicked or [with whom]I’ve built a connection. I think it’s the gender segregation that a lot of our tightknit Muslim communities still have.

Zainab: I’m at an age where so many people in my life are more invested in me getting married than I am. I think it’s important for people to understand that not everyone is set out to be married; that’s just the reality of life. Setting that social expectation, especially on young women, is such a burden and is so damaging. It’s important to be aware of the concept that not everyone is meant to be married, whether that’s by choice or their qadar.

I’m also at an age now where so many people are worried about my ovaries and that my biological clock is ticking. No! I may get married in my 40’s and have children or I may not, and that should not be anyone’s concern.

Khadijah: I haven’t participated in any matchmaking events; my community is small and doesn’t host them. I have tried some apps, but I don’t recommend them. It doesn’t feel right and a lot of men just want to meet up quickly without even getting to know you. A lot of them just want a wife to do things the halal way, and [are] not necessarily looking to make a connection with the woman.

Zainab: I’ve done it all. I was on some of the Muslim dating apps for a while, but those didn’t work out. I have attended some community matchmaking events that were actually a lot of fun. I’ve been to an event hosted by Hoda Abrahim, founder Blend Matching, it was well organized, and I had an amazing time. The best outlet for me has always been word of mouth and suitors who have come through my family and friends.

Khadijah: I would definitely say, don’t jump into a relationship with a suitor full force. Get advice from individuals whom you trust, and don’t jump into a marriage out of desperation. I would also say that it’s important to take your time in getting to know the person. Ask all the questions, and take things slow.

Zainab: The most important thing I’ve learned through my journey is that I need to really know myself before I begin getting to know someone else. This is why a couple years back I took some time to “date myself” and really set out on a path of self discovery. l learned to lift myself up when I’m feeling sad, I learned to do things alone, to love myself. My siblings always told me to love myself before getting married.

Here are some more things that have helped me and may be helpful to you:

1. Let go of the cultural responsibilities and expectations of being married as a young woman.

2. Truly understand what qadar is and have full belief in it. We plan, and He plans. Be mindful and aware of that. What we want is not always the best for us. Allah (S) always has our best interest.

3. Learn to not feel like there's something wrong with you if everyone around you is getting married or you feel like life is passing you by.

4. Seek advice and have open relationships and conversations with trusted individuals in your life: parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, close friends or even coworkers. These have taught me so much about what a healthy marriage should look like.

5. Always go with your gut.

6. Pray istikhara.

7. Stay true to yourself and don’t settle.

8. If you are getting to know someone, don’t give them your all from the get go. I always carve out specific time for conversations especially early on in the process. I respect my time and their time. Some people expect that you will be talking 24/7, so setting those boundaries from day one is important.

9. Have good married friends and family to be around, so you have live examples of healthy marriages and relationships. This is also important so you can have trusted individuals to talk to and seek advice from about the person you are considering.