Wearing hijab can be a lifelong journey that comes with its own sets of highs and lows. Whether we are new to Islam or were born and raised Muslim, we all have a different experience and relationship with our hijab. However, what we share is the reality that it is a work in progress and requires constant check-ins with our intentions for wearing it.

As we are approaching the end of 2020, I wanted to reflect on the concept of being intentional in wearing hijab, having worn mine for a very long time. (Haute Hijab is also fostering these beautiful conversations with the hashtag #LikeYouMeanItHH across their platforms this month - do check it out and participate if you feel inclined.) I reached out to a friend of mine who is new to wearing hijab to talk things through. Raj Preet Avila is a convert whom I met through a Muslim women entrepreneurship group.

We talked about her journey to finding Islam and our relationship and paths to wearing hijab, including the similarities and differences and most importantly, our renewed intentions for wearing hijab going into the new year.

Here is our edited conversation.

Raj Preet: I am the founder of Sacred Sisterhood, a women's healing circle. This is a membership for Muslim women, Islamic-based, that is a safe space for self reflection. We use the divine names and talk about different things. I’m also a life coach and practice Ayurveda. I love holistic healing [and am] a yoga instructor. My mission is to work with women to bring awareness to their bodies into the emotions to understand who we are and embrace the gifts that Allah (S) gave us.

Women healing circles have that space where we just can be and don’t have to pretend that we have it all together.

Danah: Those spaces are so necessary because no one has it all put together and our society, especially on social media, creates a picture perfect illusion. It’s very misleading and can cause others to feel less than or incompetent.

Let’s talk a little bit about your hijab journey. When did you first start wearing hijab? What made you interested in wearing it? How did your conversion to Islam affect your hijab journey?

Raj Preet: I became Muslim more than a year ago. Before that I was practicing a lot of kundalini yoga. It has a lot of Sikhism [elements], and women cover their heads. So, I was already used to covering my head by wearing a turban, [but] not all the time. Actually when I have my head covered, it’s like a sense of security. For me, it felt like a protection. In kundalini yoga you talk a lot about the energy of your body and protecting your energy and your electromagnetic field. So wearing the turban, that's also a way of protecting the center of your head so you don’t get pulled into other people’s energy.

And then I started talking to my husband, and he was Muslim. Honestly I didn’t think I would end up becoming Muslim. But the first day he was telling me, “You are already a Muslim.” I wake up at 4 a.m. every morning to do meditation and prayer.

Danah: You were already doing the hard part, waking up for fajr, which some Muslims, myself included, struggle with!

Raj Preet: Yeah exactly, that’s what he was telling me. So I started to learn more about Islam. For me, it was very eye opening because I’m from Colombia and I grew up in a Catholic family. A lot of the things you hear about Islam is that men oppress women and things like that. When I started talking to my husband I was like, something is different here.

I was never attached to the (Catholic) religion. So, I explored Hinduism, Sikhism, different paths trying to find what was speaking to me. I always believed in one God. For me, it was hard to pray to different gods or goddesses. So, I became Muslim and at the beginning coming from not covering my head all the time, It was a process. I had to deal with a lot of things, like who I am right now.

Danah: It’s definitely a big identity change when you convert to another religion, let alone have to change the way you dress.

Raj Preet: Yes exactly. There were days where I was thinking, I won’t be able to do this. I didn’t wear the hijab right away and started thinking I was a bad Muslim. I went through a lot of different moments.

I will say, in Ramadan this year, with COVID happening, I didn’t get a chance to connect with a lot of Muslims. I moved from Miami to Virginia, which is where I live right now. So, I didn’t have the chance to connect with a lot of people here.

Danah: Ramadan this year was a new and challenging experience for all of us, so I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to experience your first Ramadan as a convert in quarantine.

Raj Preet: I kept thinking, how am I going to do this? I remember thinking at some point, maybe this is not for me, maybe this is not my path. Even though I do believe in all of [Islam], but I remember having this conflict inside of me. I made a lot of du'a, especially in Ramadan.

I found a group of Latina Muslims from New York and talked to them a lot. I had a lot of questions. I also had fear of being judged by my own community, family and friends that I grew up with. For me, especially being in the holistic, spiritual, new age type of thing, there are different things that I did learn from my life [that] are very useful. How is this connected? How do I put this into place? In that process I came across Dr. Ibrahim Jaffe, who focuses on Sufism. He helped me understand the deep beauty of Islam, understand why we are doing certain things and helped me submit to God from my heart.

So in that process, now I love my hijab after understanding it through this path. Before I was very back and forth; it was not easy for me.

Unfortunately, at least in my experience, a lot of times there is more focus on the rules than what we feel. What is Allah (S) inside of you? What are the internal aspects of purifying your heart and being aware of who you are? When I found this [formerly] Jewish doctor (who studied multiple paths before he found Islam), I found the reason why I want to be here. I really believed in these (Islamic) concepts since the beginning, and I knew there was something else, but I couldn’t find it before.

For example when you start reading the Quran and you are new, you come with a lot of things from your nafs. So, it’s challenging when you don’t have some guidance. When I found this group, they are very focused on following the sunnah and rules but also focus on spirituality. It helped me to put these things in my heart. It allowed me to make a gradual change in the way I look and dress. Remember, I come from a Latin American culture where they wear shorts and tight clothing, and I lived in Miami. I always wore loose clothing but not the head covering.

Danah: That is a major change and a culture shock. Let’s talk a little bit more specifically on the hijab. What does “being intentional with hijab” mean to you? And when did you start wearing it regularly?

Raj Preet: I started wearing a hijab last December (2019). For me, when I put the hijab, I submit to God. Symbolically it’s putting down a sign of submission: “Oh Allah I am listening to you, I am pleasing you.” When you look in history you see a lot of women of faith, Catholics, they wear the head covering. Usually it is about submitting to God.

Danah: What renewed intentions do you have for hijab going into the new year? Do you think your intentions are different going into this new year versus last year when you first started wearing it?

Raj Preet: Before last December it was something I knew was good to do, but it was not coming fully from my heart. Now that I have a deeper understanding of hijab ,and I have a more personal relationship with Allah (S). I am here to be His slave, just tell me what I need to do. What do you want from me? How do you want me to give my gifts to the world? Like being in that submission to Him instead of trying to control it [is what is different this year]. The easier this process has become for me. The resistance has been disappearing.

Danah: I know it’s been one year since you started wearing hijab, and it’s been a year full of changes for everyone with COVID but also for you on your spiritual journey. What advice would you give for other Muslims, new or born into Islam, who are considering to put on the hijab? A lot of Muslims struggle with putting it on and off, others do it and may not have the right intentions. And new Muslims may have a similar experience as yourself.

Raj Preet: Just check first if it’s coming from your heart or mind. If it’s coming from your mind, like “Oh I do really need to do this?” Then pray. If you want to do this, and you feel a resistance, ask Allah (S) to help you find [the source of that] resistance. For me, the resistance that I found was this fear of being rejected. Try to find the resistance and work with that.

Be very honest and sincere. Become vulnerable with Him and trust the process.

Danah: It’s definitely a gradual process, it’s a learning process; it does not happen overnight.

Raj Preet: Be kind to yourself too.

Danah: For me, I’ve been wearing a hijab since I was very young. I started putting it on in middle school. I was born Muslim, so hijab has always been part of my life. I also went to Islamic school for my entire life, so it was second nature. It was normal. But even then I had my struggles, and my intentions were different than they are now. I was comfortable wearing it around my friends, family, my community because we were all in a sheltered bubble. When I would wear out in public, it was a totally different feeling for me. I felt isolated, I had moments where I wanted to take it off in public but keep it on at school or when around my friends and community.

Even going into university, I struggled with hijab and why I wear it and my identity. Because like I said, I attended an Islamic School my entire life and all of a sudden I’m now in university, the only Muslim woman wearing hijab. I really had to dig deep to find out why I’m wearing a hijab. What does it mean to me? Why am I wearing it? I had to rebuild my confidence that I was so used to having by nature because it was normal.

It almost felt like I had to relearn the concept of hijab and why Allah (S) commanded us to wear it. My whole life it was just a given. I never thought twice about if I would wear it, and why I wear it. It was part of my identity. But after going to university, I was being asked the hard questions of why and what it is. So, I had to do my own research and make a conscious, intentional decision as to why I am wearing this piece of cloth on my head and dressing modestly. So even for me, Muslim born and raised, I’ve had my own identity struggle with hijab and have had to, and still do, reevaluate my intentions on wearing hijab.

Going into the new year, with all of the personal struggles I’ve faced in 2020 as well as the challenges that COVID brought about, my renewed intentions for wearing hijab is for it to be a physical means to wholeheartedly trust in Allah’s (S) will and qadr for me and my family. To trust in His plan, kind of like what you mentioned before. Whatever He wills for us is what’s best Insha’Allah.

Raj Preet: I think the biggest fear is of being rejected or not accepted for who you are. That was the main thing. In the end, I have been working on my relationship with Allah (S) and realize that if He is happy with me, that's the only thing that matters. The pain might come. Like maybe my friends or family may not accept me. But in the moments of pain, I call to Allah (S) to help me get through this. Because I do know that the most important thing in my life is Him; the rest will come after.