Friendships are an important pillar of living a full and balanced life. Our deen, in fact, encourages us to have good friends who bring us close(r) to Allah. They hold us accountable, cheer us on, keep us grounded and so much more. Oftentimes we share some of our most intimate thoughts with our friends, and thus who we choose to keep close matters so very much.

Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: “A person is on the religion of his companions. Therefore let every one of you carefully consider the company he keeps.” [Tirmidhi]

Ultimately friendships grow – and sometimes fall apart. Assessing our friendships, especially what our intentions are in these relationships, are so critical to maintaining healthy and love-filled bonds. So how do you renew your intentions about having good friendships? Consider these 10 tips!

1. Renew your intentions about the purpose of your friendship. Our first priority as Muslims is to obey Allah (S). Therefore our friendships should reflect this, and our friends should be people who bring us closer to His pleasure.

The Prophet Muhammad (saw) was reportedly asked: “Which of our companions are best?” He replied, “One whose appearance reminds you of God, and whose speech increases you in knowledge, and whose actions remind you of the hereafter.” [Al-Muhasibi]

2. Find friends who are higher than you in deen. When I began my undergrad studies at Wayne State University, I didn’t want to make any new friends. I simply wanted to go to school, get my degree and move on with my life. But Allah (S) had greater plans for me.

I met Mariam, a Pakistani Muslim girl from Canton, Michigan, in my psychology class. We quickly hit it off, and then I was introduced to her friends, who were mutual friends with my good friend from high school. They began to invite me to halaqas, or, Islamic lectures, on campus, as well as Muslim Students Association events. The organizer in me gravitated toward these events. The girls also came from different socioeconomic backgrounds but were so humble that I could never tell.

Sooner or later they began inviting me to do simple things, like pray on campus or grab a bite to eat. I felt so humbled by their embrace and gentle nudge in the right direction. Nearly a decade later we are still in touch, although we may only speak once or twice a year. When we see each other, it’s all positive vibes and du’as. Sometimes we simply reach out to check-in and ask for du’as.

The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said, “A good friend and a bad friend are like a perfume seller and a blacksmith: The perfume seller might give you some perfume as a gift, or you might buy some from him, or at least you might smell its fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might singe your clothes, and at the very least you will breathe in the fumes of the furnace.” [Bukhari, Muslim]

3. Do they remind you of your Creator? Do your friends take you closer or further away from doing good deeds? One of the most important qualities of good friends is, do they remind you of Allah (S)? They don’t have to be Muslim – but do you they implore you to think of others? Care for your families? Do they focus on enjoining good in the world?

4. Reflect on the benefits of being a good friend. The Prophet said good friends will be reunited during the Day of Judgment and offered shade for the sake of the friendship. Remind yourself to be a good friend, and aspire to get the blessings of being one.

The Prophet told us that one of the seven categories of people promised the shade of Allah (S) are two persons who loved each other for the sake of Allah (S), got together, and departed on this basis. [Bukhari, Muslim]

5. Pick people who have similar circumstances in life. Another thing I have learned is how it’s important to find people who are going through similar things in life like you. I found two women like this – one who I met through her marriage into the community, and the other an older sister of my friend. We connected over our unique similarities. We share stories of our kids and how to get through the daily grind. Whenever I feel stuck in a situation, I reach out to them, knowing they will give me advice that’s good for my dunya (worldly benefit) and akhirah (hereafter). We don’t see each other very often, but we know that we are only a phone call away.

Now, later in life, I’ve realized having these women go through my life with me has given me the encouragement to grow as a person.

During the pandemic (after we got vaccinated), we began an informal breakfast rule. We ask each other to breakfast if we need a safe space. We have seen each other more than we have in the past, but realize this is something we uniquely need now.

6. Have friends who inspire you. I remember doing an interesting exercise during counseling one day. I had to come up with six affirmations. However, I am uncomfortable saying nice things about myself to myself. So my counselor came up with this neat strategy. She asked me to envision some of the folks I admire and come up with six words about them.

I imagined my cousin, who wears her mascara as she says, “I am a badass,” in a candlelit room; my dear friend, who always talks about the akhirah as the highest priority of health and wellness; the one who took me under her wing like an older sister to ask if I was okay as I adjusted to major life changes; and the girls in my writer’s community who encourage me to just try.

I came up with words like, “badass, faith-based, confident.” My counselor told me these words described me, but I couldn’t see it in myself. I was surrounded by amazing women, who ultimately gave me the confidence I needed inside to aspire to be these traits. I felt so grateful in that moment to have friends with whom I can grow.

7. Keep honest communication between friends. A few years ago I was going through a hard time with a personal matter. One of my closest friends said, while I support you, my limitations in this matter are xyz. It was such a beautiful way to say, this is how I can support you and this is how I cannot. I love her for being honest with me and creating a boundary that I can honor.

8. Be specific whether you’re asking for advice or want to vent. Tell your tribe if you want their nasihah, or advice, or rather if you want them to listen. Don’t expect people to know what you expect or to fix and solve your problems for you.

9. Ask them to hold you to higher standards when you slip. Once in a while when I ask my friends for advice, I ask them to help me make decisions. But I also ask them for their sincere advice on steering me in the right direction, holding me accountable, and letting me know when I can do better. We all can.

10. Evaluate your friendships; ask if they are one-way or two-way friendships built on respect. A good and fair friendship should be mutually beneficial. They are not one-sided. If the friendship no longer serves you, your mental health or well being, it’s time to wish them well, make a du’a on their behalf and let it go. As you get older, you will start to see your circle get smaller. That’s okay. It’s okay to change and grow, even if that means growing apart.

Friendships are important relationships that deserve solid and thoughtful intentions behind them. It’s important to renew your intentions around your friendships and mutually communicate, hold space, and make du’a that the friendship brings you closer to worship. May we all aspire to become better friends and have fulfilling friendships for the sake of Allah (S).